I want to work on being less of an asshole bully. Making someone feel small is just cheap and sad and I do it too often.
I'm especially dickish to my mother. Living at home puts me in close personal contact with her little tics, like the way she easily gets worked up and agitated, but then denies it angrily when it is suggested she chill. Sigh. Right. Back to me.
Anyhow, can I please just not indulge it, or react, or poke the bear and respond in a way that I might respond to a stranger? Actually, maybe that's not a good plan, because I don't suffer those reactions from the general public, so maybe I should be more patient with the public, too*.
This just happened: I asked Mum whose coat the broken zipper pull on the kitchen window sill belong to. She said, Dad's coat, but then came over to the window and started to get worked up because she couldn't see it. (It was behind a small bottle; I could still see it.) I said something like, "Why do you have to see it? You obviously know which zipper pull I'm talking about." She got pissed off, shifted 4 inches to the right and saw it, and then got POed because I didn't just point to it. She suggested that there could be two broken zipper pulls on the sill and she might be referring to the wrong one.
So, this irrational anger and stretch of statistics is something I clearly felt I had to be a dick about it. Why couldn't I have just nudged aside the bottle or pointed to it? No, I saw a moment where I had a weird, sad, advantage, and I didn't relinquish it, but had to get some mileage out of it. What a dick.
I want to be a little more adult and quicker at recognizing when I'm falling down the dickhead rabbithole and pulling myself out of that nosedive.
My insecurities should not leave my little brainpan, and I have to remember that making people feel small only makes me feel smaller.
And, if anyone wants to comment on this, can you leave suggestions on how to apologize about being a dick without going into my full psychological profile?
*Actually, I think I proved that I am the fucking Heavyweight Champion of the World of Patience with the general public after working the 2 weeks of the BOGO sale for next summer's Charlottetown Festival. People of PEI: please do your research about what show you want to see, when you want to see it, and what the prices are, so I don't feel like I'm making you take out a mortgage to see high-calibre live musical with seats that cost no more than $71. Compare if you dare. (Dancap, Mirvish.)