Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Insert Leonard Cohen Lyric Here.

Today was just terrible.

I started crying in the shower, and it didn’t stop for much longer than a half hour at a time. I haven’t had a day like this since the 12th of September.

I spoke to my sister, which was nice, and she did make me smile. Marilyn’s awesome and I really miss her.

Last night I went for drinks with people at the Gahan House. I met Mike’s girlfriend for the first time. Well, the first time I was in anything close to a healthy mental state, anyway.

The whole night was in pairs. Hell, everything is in pairs, it seems to me. Husbands, fiancés, girlfriends, weddings, and double-date Dominican vacations were discussed. The only other single person at the table was constantly (teasingly?) persuaded to be set up on dates by another one of my girlfriend’s husband.

(Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me, “are you dating anyone?” Do they assume I’m not, or do they assume I’d bring it up right away and talk about it incessantly? Which one’s worse/more insulting?)

The aforementioned healthy state left me today.

Today, knowing I’d make myself hysterical if I just sat home sobbing, I went into Charlottetown. After an unsuccessful retail therapy session, I went north. I drove to Cavendish. I parked and walked to the waterline. The surface of the water was virtually glass. I’ve never seen the Gulf so calm. There was no wind, but it was cold, so I flipped up the collar on my coat. I walked along the water and leaned on beached slab ice, continuing to cry (even though I can assure readers that I did take time to appreciate how beautiful the beach was).

It’s been so long since I’ve had an “I’m lonely” post. I liked being left alone up on the beach. It was cathartic to loudly cry in an open space like that.


christina said...

I just came across your blog, and I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. Why am I sorry? There's really nothing I can do for you, but it is how I feel, call it maternal, call it whatever, but it is what it is. Anyway, I feel your pain. Although I am constantly surrounded by people, I too feel alone, I think we all feel that way. But thought I'd say hi and if you would like a good laugh, come read my blog, www.ohhellno123.blogspot.com
I hope things get better and I'll check in from time to time hon, hang in there.

Holly said...

We all love Catherine, blah blah blah.

You probably don't want condolences.

However, we miss you very much. Those of us who don't get to see you every day should be the ones who get the condolences.

P&P just isn't the same without you.

Catherine said...

No, you're right, Holls, I didn't want condolences, like usual on this topic. (They're welcome, of course, but I'm not fishing.) In fact, I tried to disable the comments feature of this post, but I don't think it can be done selectively like that.

Thanks for the kind words, though, love. It helps, even though you might feel somewhat helpless.

Holly said...

Nah. I didn't want you to feel neglected, and I comment on pretty much every post (so it would look funny if I didn't comment here), but I am not worried.

As my dad always said, crying is good- makes you piss less.

So no cloying crap is needed. Just a hearty "cheer up". But you know that.

Nothing to be done but wait it out, as I well know (see my blog entries from last summer, or from this past month)!

Big kiss!